Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Microwave Monkey Rant

Alright folks, I’m going to go off on a tangent here for a bit. Sure, it’s unrelated to a movie website, but what the hell, it’s my site, so I’ll use it for what I like to.

So to sort of lay the groundwork a bit, I’ll let you know that I’m a little bit of a quirky person. I wouldn’t say that I run around checking to make sure the oven is turned off or anything, but there are little things in life I count on. Put another way, there are little things in the world that piss me off like no other. For me, it’s the microwave.
So, right about now, you’re asking how the microwave, an item made for the convenience of all mankind can piss a man off so badly. Well, I’ll be honest, it isn’t so much the microwave itself as it is the people who use it. Specifically, I’m talking about the no-good bastards that use it before you who take their food out before the timer goes off and then walk away from it without clearing the time off of it. I f***ing despise that person!
I have a certain expectation in life, that when I go to use the microwave, that I can stick my food in it, and enter the time I need to cook my food for. Instead, I find that I get there, pop my food in, and then push buttons and nothing happens; no noises, no food cooking, nothing, all because some tool left time on it. I end up looking like a monkey who doesn’t know how to use technology, beating on it trying to figure out why the hell I can’t get it to work. You might as well give me a stick or a small rock to beat on it with because nothing is happening until I clear that time out.
Sure, I can make it a habit to press the clear button before anything else but that’s not the point! I should be able to automatically assume that someone else took the initiative and did their job rather than continue to fall into the stereotypical American mold and expect someone else to pick up your slack. Where is the convenience to me if I need to take an extra step to make up for your short-comings?
But don’t get me wrong, I know who the douche is doing it! He’s the same guy that doesn’t fill the Keurig after making the last cup of coffee, and he’s the same guy who leaves the wet finger prints on the roll of paper towels because he can’t manage to rip a towel off by holding it with his forearm. Either that, or it’s a group of them, all working in conjunction, a bunch of gremlins like the one from the Twilight Zone or those flying apes from The Wizard of Oz, working hard to f*** up my morning and then giggling the corner after witnessing the fruits of their labors.
So do me a favor, next time you see a douche bag, taking his cup of coffee out of the microwave in your office without clearing off the two seconds left, slap him across the back of the head for me and tell him, that’s for Frag!

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