Monday Monologues - January 12, 2009

Welcome one and all back to Monday Monologues, my weekly collections of quips and wisecracks taken straight from the latest sports headlines. I hope everyone had a great weekend. If not, its time to shake it off and get your laugh on, the perfect thing to gear you up for a long week in the office.


- The Denver Broncos are said to be ready to name former New England Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels as their new head coach, replacing the Mike Shanahan. McDaniels will become the youngest head coach in the NFL. The deal has been agreed to by all parties, but still requires the signature of McDaniels legal guardian before it can be finalized.

- The Red Sox continues their off season signings this past week by inking John Smoltz, Rocco Baldelli, and Takashi Saito to contracts. All three spent significant time on the disabled list last season, but represent a low risk, high reward alternative for Boston in adding components to its 2009 squad. Alternatively, should the players fail to stay healthy, Tom Werner is considering a remake of the classic M.A.S.H. as his next television project.

- Jarkko Ruutu was suspended for two games last week after biting the thumb of Andrew Peters of the Buffalo Sabres through his gloved hand. Peters was said to agree with the league ruling. Ruutu added, “I did not bite his thumb at him sir, but I did bite his thumb.”

- Adam “Pacman” Jones announced last week that he was considering suing ESPN over the network’s comments regarding the possibility of Jones ordering someone to shoot at three men outside a club in Atlanta. When our legal department analyzed Jones’s claim and his likelihood of victory, we were astonished to learn that through a strikingly surprising turn, and money he would win in the suit would immediately need to be paid to Ron Goldman.

- A report surfaced last week that more than 8% of all Major League Baseball players have received a banned substance exemption from the league in order to treat ADHD. This is a shocking revelation against Major League Baseball and its battle against illegal supplements. In defense, Bud Selig was quoted as saying, “We simply didn’t think anyone was paying attention.”

- Despite the threat of a lawsuit by the Portland Trail Blazers, Darius Miles received and signed a contract offer from the Memphis Grizzlies. Portland had been threatening any team that signed Miles with a lawsuit because if Miles were to play just 2 more games this season, his contract would count against the Blazer’s salary cap for 2009-10. Memphis stands strong in its belief that signing Miles was the right thing to do, saying “Hey, the Knicks are paying Stephon Marbury aren’t they?”

- Alex Rodriguez continues his swinging ways after being sited with actress Kate Hudson over the weekend. A-Rod, who reached a divorce settlement with his wife Cynthia in September, was at first thought to be with Madonna. In the end however, it appears they are just in a running competition to see who could bed the most celebs with Rodriguez likely to lose because his bat goes limp in pressure situations.