New Years Resolutions For Others

Let’s face it; we all have little things about ourselves that we wish to better from year to year. New Years resolutions give us the reason, or at least the guise, to make a concerted effort to address those issues.

Now, personally, I don’t feel I have much to improve on myself. My wife would laugh at that and tell you otherwise, but I digress. Instead, I felt my resolution services with be better served on a consultant basis, mapping out what others should hope to accomplish in the new year. My motto is “A New Year, A New You… Not Me.” Needless to say, I’ve been quite busy already, working with some of the most famous people in the world, carving out a map of goals for each of them.

Here’s a sample of those that have come to me and what I’ve managed to lay out for them already:

Athletes

Terrell Owens – I resolve to get more in touch with the inner me.

Plaxico Burress – I resolve to wear tighter pants and a holster.

Isaiah Thomas – I resolve to do my best to get a better night’s sleep.

Roger Clemens – I resolve to write everything down so I no longer misremember things.

John Daly – I resolve to try not to lose the shirt off my back this year.

Hank Steinbrenner – I resolve to make myself more available to the media.

Manny Ramirez – I resolve to not try and be someone I’m not, just be me.

Brett Favre – I resolve, or don’t resolve, to make a decision about my future as an NFL quarterback before, or after, the beginning of training camp.

O.J. Simpson – I resolve to get my s@$t back!

David Tyree – I resolve to use my head and become a better overall football player.


Others

Barack Obama – I resolve to change my political platform once in office.

Rod Blagojevich – I resolve to sell my New Year’s resolution to the highest bidder.

Bernard Madoff – I resolve to be the best Amway seller in America at year’s end.

Elliot Spitzer – I resolve to take a tougher stance on prostitution…tomorrow.

Heather Mills-McCartney – I resolve to be a leg to stand on for victims of celebrity divorce.

Me

Alright, I couldn't fight the urge, plus it's never fair to point out the shortcomings of others without looking at yourself.

I resolve to have a safe and Happy New Year with my family, wishing the same to each and every one of you.